Bird Puns, Nappoholics Readers,

and Faking a Stroke

Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.

1. Opened a show this week. Was on the cover of the Star’s entertainment section. Did Breakfast TV and Global’s Morning Show. Was interviewed at Q107. I felt just like Pat Thornton but without all the good looks, funny jokes, and political enemies.

2. If whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, watching Dana Carvey’s latest stand-up special on Netflix must be kinda like doing steroids while you work out in prison.

3. Ann Margret keeps a journalist company while her co-stars Alan Arkin, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine take their mid-morning nap.

4. Tony Nardi was eating lunch in a restaurant last week. The waiter came over and asked him, “Is ANYTHING all right?”

5. Shit I would have said until I drove my cast crazy if I was in the show Stupid Fucking Bird.

-Go pluck yourself.

-How’d you like my EGG-zit?

-What are you, a quackhead?

-Cluck you.

-That shit just ain’t gonna fly.

6.

7. A few months ago a makeup artist I haven’t worked with for years saw me on an episode of Conviction and sent me a message saying that I should tell my dermatologist to go easy on the Botox.

I wrote her back- My dermatologist?? I don’t even go to the fucking dentist.

8. This week marks the thirty-third anniversary of me not having a fucking clue what that whole Max Headroom thing was about.

9. The ad that ran above my column last week was brought to my attention by Bruce Brenton.

Who the fuck do they think is reading this thing???

10. After twenty-five years, Tom Cochrane is hitting the road with his “Remember When I Wrote That One Catchy Song Twenty-Five Years Ago World Tour.” His fans couldn’t be more excited to hear his entire catalogue of HIT SONG live.

11. I’m not saying the Mirvish crowds are old… BUT, if one more audience member asks me to introduce her to the “young hunk on the poster,” I’m gonna fake a stroke.

12. When people break my balls to quit smoking, I tell them not only do I plan to smoke until I die but I also plan to be cremated so I can smoke even after I’m dead.

Written By

Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.


One response to “Bird Puns, Nappoholics Readers,

and Faking a Stroke

  1. I laughed so hard at #11. I attend Wednesday matinee performances of Mirvish productions for the price and the audience is at least 95% seniors. At last year’s performance of The Judas Kiss about Oscar Wilde, there was a lot of male full frontal nudity. In the first act, the nudity was brief, glimpses really, however in the second act there was a lot more. When the actor started walking around the stage, fully naked and quite well hung, there was a collective, loud gasp from the audience. I started to giggle like a schoolgirl about the audience reaction that ultimately left me laughing out loud. Some people got up and left the theatre they were so dismayed while a lot of the blue haired women could not take their eyes off the stage. The comments made later as the women filed out of the theatre made me blush.

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