Trump, the Meatball, and Grants
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. I learned on Twitter that Women For Trump is an actual thing. It’s not so much an oxymoron as a bunch of morons.
2. Coming this Christmas to a theatre near you.
ICEMAN VS. THE MEATBALL
Tagline: This is one meatball that just can’t be frozen.
(I used this on Twitter but barely anyone saw it, so Shawn’s legal team insisted we recycle it here or he would be withdrawing his endorsement from my campaign.)
3. I heard Ken Pagan was also ejected for throwing beer cans at the Leafs’ training camp last year. Fortunately, no one was hurt because every single one of them missed the goalie and went straight into the net.
4. Auditioned for Aaron Sorkin yesterday. When I was done, this happened:
Aaron Sorkin- That was perfect. Just perfect. I’m not gonna make you do it again.
Me- I understand this is your first movie so I’m gonna try to help you out however I can.
5. This is my girlfriend Kate’s old toilet. She used to get mad when I didn’t put the seat down because she said if she wasn’t paying attention she would sit down and almost end up in the bowl. So I started leaving these wooden slats across the top of the bowl for safety.
I thought it was pretty funny.
She pretty didn’t.
6. Showing up AT work and showing up TO work are not the same thing.
7. From the Ella Files:
Ella- Dad, do you know what would happen if you got knocked out cold right now?
Me- No. What would happen?
Ella- After you woke up from being knocked out, all the Fudgee-Os would be gone.
8. The man I owe the largest part of my success in the audition room to is Ron White. He taught me years ago the most important lesson that any actor can ever learn in terms of auditioning: OWN YOUR AUDITION.
Own it. Run it. Take it the fuck over. If you need to stop it, stop it. But stop it like a pro. Don’t apologize, tell the camera person to keep rolling, and ask for the line as you would on set. Show them that you aren’t rattled because you forgot a fucking line—that you aren’t going to fall apart on set over minor shit like that—that your focus is bigger and you are more secure in what you are doing to be embarrassed or made small. If you need the reader to do something different, stop them and ask that they do it. Not like an asshole, but do it. Show whomever it is that you are auditioning for that you own the material and the part.
A lot of the time actors make the mistake of trying to show the director or producer what they think they want to see. But the truth is, you have no idea what they want to see. You have to go in and tell them what they want to see. You do that by showing them that you are the only person for the part. If they fuck it up and cast someone else, that’s on them.
Confidence is 99 percent of the audition game. And it’s not about bravado and it’s not about talking about yourself like you’re trying to impress a date. In fact, the less you talk about yourself the better—nobody gives a shit about you—they give a shit about casting the role. Know why you are doing in the scenes and be prepared to completely adapt. Know your lines enough to not have to think about them. I personally change my lines all the time. Little life-changing secret here: nobody fucking cares if you say the words right. They care if you get the scene right. The words have to become YOUR words. Your goal is to make them forget anyone else ever said them.
Most importantly, when it’s done, walk out the door and forget the whole thing ever happened. If they call, they call. If not, you still did your job. Walk away and forget all about it until the next one. And then go in and do it all over again.
9. I kind of miss Stephen Harper lately. Not the prime minister but this guy from my pottery class. His ashtrays were both life-affirming and highly functional.
10. I put on a couple more pounds this year than I would have liked to. I could almost literally hear the gym calling my name this week. So, I legally changed my name… Stupid Gym.
11. The only world I’ve spent more time in than the acting world is the hockey world. But the two have only really crossed paths once. Before going into rehearsals for Sudden Death, a show I did where I played John Kordic, an NHL enforcer, I got to meet another legendary enforcer Chris Nilan. I asked Chris what John was like and he said, bluntly, “At the time, he was trying to take my job so I didn’t like him.” Chris had a lot of compassion for John, though, and signed my script and wished me the best.
12. If you NEED a grant to write your play, you probably don’t really NEED to write that play.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
LEARN MORE
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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