Best of Nappoholics Anonymous 2017
Tony Nappo, of Nappoholics Anonymous fame, is taking a holiday break after another year of top-notch thoughts. We’ve rounded up some of the wittiest and most thoughtful ones to revisit over the break.
1. Either it was really really fucking cold last week or someone surgically replaced my penis with a grape while I was asleep. (Week 41: Mr. February, Grease, and Buying New Pants)
2. It’s kind of amazing that the Mirvishes are in the business of building modern luxury condos but their rehearsal-hall bathrooms look like they were pieced together from the old Barney Miller set. (Week 44: Mirvish Bathrooms, Bucket Lists, and a Fonzie Doll)
3. I think it’s a great idea to name a stadium after Rob Ford. The Jays and the Raptors are more than likely to be able to live up to the legacy of Local Embarrassment Stadium. (Week 71: Jagmeet Singh, Rob Ford’s Stadium, and Film Set Tips for Addictive Personalities)
4. Top 5 Pho Restaurants (inspired by Richard Lee)
5- Pho Latio
4- Pho Toes of Yo Mama
3- Pho Get About It!
2- Pho Fuk Sake
1- The Strat Pho Festi Pho
(Week 55: Stunt Casting, Emotional Availability, and Top 5 Pho Restaurants)
5. A friend posted about seeing a homeless man masturbating right out in the open on the street in New York.
I said, “Technically, he WAS masturbating at home.”
I was way more proud of that than I should have been. (Week 64: Charlottesville, My Circumcision, and Taste of the Danforth)
6. This was my Father’s Day assessment from my daughter, Ella, when she was seven. (Week 58: Things God Wants You to Know, Overheard On Set, and Father’s Day)
7. I was discussing Ravi Jain’s brilliant production of Prince Hamlet with Raoul Bhaneja outside of an audition and I confessed that, at intermission, I was still processing how I felt about the show. It was quite sign language heavy at the top and I thought that if I didn’t know the story, I’d maybe only be getting the general gist—picking up a word or image here and there—and it might not all be super clear to me what was happening. BUT, during the second act, it occurred to me that the average person who can hear and doesn’t already know the story would probably have the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE when hearing Shakespeare’s actual fucking text, anyway. (Week 51: FaceApp, Crane Girl, and Jon Kaplan)
8. This week, when questioned about Kaepernick still being unsigned due to his anthem protests last year, Sean Spicer said, “That’s nonsense. He’s a terrible quarterback. Even Hitler wouldn’t have signed him.” I’m starting to think Sean Spicer doesn’t even know who Hitler was. (Week 49: Jesus Jokes, Identity Theft, and Mob Facts)
9. (Week 80: Heart Attacks, TV Shows, and the New CAA Theatre)
10. The next hurricane headed for the Caribbean has been named Ophelia. Now, I’m no hurricane naming expert, but Ophelia? Isn’t that just kinda ASKING for the worst possible ending? (Week 73: Hurricane Ophelia, Coke Advice, and #MeToo)
11. I don’t talk about this often enough, but the key to being a healthy Nappoholic is self-awareness. If you don’t stick to the program and come to the meetings, you may encounter the odd slip. The five most common are:
- Peelapse: the inability to stop commenting on Donald Trump tweets
- David Yeelapse: the tendency to start telling everyone to go fuck themselves
- Bealapse: an offshoot of PTSD (most common among stage managers who have worked with me)
- Paul Sun-Hyung Leelapse: developing a very public, socially awkward relationship with your cat and posting it to my Facebook wall
Creelapse: developing an unhealthy obsession with my favourite Corner Gas character, Davis
(Week 39: Healthy Nappoholism, Watching Theatre, and Keeping Receipts)
12. Every play I have ever had to quit has been nominated for a Dora. So book me early and pray for the worst. (Week 56: Wonder Woman, Covfefe Jokes, and My Long-Lost Twin)
Also, for those of you who missed it, or who want to watch it again, here is a video of what goes on at a Nappoholics Anonymous meeting (starring the incomparable Eric Peterson):
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