ABBA Reunion, Worst Dates,
and Trigger Warnings
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. So turns out I was wrong about there being fewer awards and nominations for the Dora Awards under the new gender non-specific categories. There will, in fact, be more nominees and the same number of categories than there were previously, so it should be even easier than ever for me to get nominated and not win one.
2. Of course they are. You can’t make THREE Mamma Mia! movies with the same soundtrack.
3. Wondering which of these things may happen first before I die: a Stanley Cup in Toronto or Dennis Miller thinking up a funny Michelle Wolf joke.
4. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Now, if there were a Nobel Pee Prize…
5. Top 5 Star Wars Police Songs in Honour of May 4
5- Ar too dee too ar tee da da
4- Solo-nely
3- Walking on Endor
2- Every Breath You Take is So Fucking Loud, Darth
1- Don’t Sand So Close to Me (Anakin’s Song)
6. Thanks to Stuart Muirhead for reminding me of the time I discovered that a chicken wing is the exact right size to hold your cigarette, allowing you to smoke and eat at the same time. How fucking efficient is that???!!!
7. I think it is kind of crazy when the same hockey fans who will defend hits from behind or hits to the head will condemn Boston Bruins’ Brad Marchand for licking other players in the face. Any gutless asshole can take a cheap run at a guy who doesn’t see him coming and risk ending his life and career. It takes balls of steel to stand toe to toe and lick a pro hockey player in the face. If you don’t believe me, try it sometime.
Still, ideally, none of this shit belongs in the game.
8. Only an Italian would text you that he is parked OUTSIDE.
9. Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say to an Uber Driver Even if You’re Running Late:
You know, if you hit that guy on the bicycle (who is holding up traffic), I’ll still give you five stars.
10. Have you seen ever casting director Ron Leach and Mike Nesmith of the Monkees in the same room? Me neither.
11. My high school girlfriend, Michelle Owen, recently turned fifty. This made me think of the time I was visiting home from New York and we got together for lunch after we had broken up, and after I had stayed out drinking with my Scarborough friends the night before. I drank a lot back then.
I remember we met at Mother’s on Bloor Street near Varsity Stadium. Mid meal, I jumped up and puked into a garbage can that was near the exit door. I apologized and Michelle said, quite nonplussed about the whole thing, “Don’t worry about it. This isn’t even the worst date you’ve ever taken me on.”
12. Guest Post of the Week. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Editor’s Note: An earlier version of this article referred to Michelle Wolf as Michelle Fox. It has been corrected to reflect the error. We apologize for this animal-based mistake.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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