Hot Showers, Ryan Hollyman, and an Encounter on Christie Street
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. In Newfoundland, a cooler on set is redundant.
2. I’m not big on showering with other people, in general, outside of sports, but it’s especially hard when said other people like to use super scalding hot water. The first time it ever happened, I thought that’s what people were talking about when they said “tea bagging.”
3. Congratulations to Ryan Hollyman for being voted Sexiest Male Canadian Actor of the Year. I mean, I am not in the least bit disappointed. I had a good run winning it for the last seventeen years in a row. It was time for a change.
4. Was walking up Christie running lines and trying to get in the right, uber-confident headspace to play a half crazy drug dealer on my way to an audition last week and was stopped on the way by a couple looking for directions. They were the first in line at a green light and the car behind them was honking incessantly. I yelled, “Shut the fuck up and wait a second!!” (as a half crazy drug dealer who looked a lot like me might do).
The car kept honking. I took my time giving the couple directions until they went on their way. The car behind them pulled up to the red light and the three scariest motherfuckers I have ever seen in my life rolled down their windows. White kid driving with murderous eyes. Black kid in the passenger seat with a full gold grill. I couldn’t see in the back seat but there was one more body. I was waiting for the doors to open, and planning which punches to throw first to avoid getting held down and beaten or stabbed, because it was too icy out to even think about running away. But they didn’t get out of the car which to me was a bad sign.
Car- What’s your fucking problem?
Me- I got no fucking problem. I was just trying help those people out.
Car- I don’t give a fuck. You made me miss the light.
Me- You help one guy out, you fuck another one up. My bad.
Car- I don’t give a fuck.
Me- Maybe you were gonna get in a fucking accident if you went through that light. Maybe I just saved your fuckin’ lives
(No smiles. No reflective pause. They were not seduced by my charm.)
Car- I don’t give a fuck.
Me- I don’t give a fuck, either. So why are we still talking about it.
Car- (a warning) You SHOULD give a fuck.
Me- If you wanna keep talking about it, you’re gonna miss another fucking light. We good yet?
(Beat of Reassessment)
Car- Yeah, man. We good.
They squeal off.
This was the first time in my entire life that I was about eighty percent sure that I was about to get shot. (Because they didn’t leave the car) Thank God I was on the way to a drug dealer audition and not a rational human being audition or I may not have been able to stand my ground so casually and confidently, or stopped myself from shitting my pants.
5. I was on hold for a Sleep Country Canada radio commercial but they didn’t hire me for the job so now I have roughly 637 and a half reasons to buy a mattress anywhere else.
6. Top 5 Muppet Porn Names
5. Spermit the Frog
4. Clean Shaven Bear
3. Shooter
2. Fist Piggy
1. Dr. Bumsen Honeyscrew
7. Butt Spud
Photo credit- Billy MacLellan.
8. When In Doubt, Do What Adam Did.
9. Set Observation #3312- there is no warmer toilet seat on earth than one in a crew bathroom at lunchtime.*
*there are, however, less wet ones
10. Tweet of the Week
11. At the moment, the Auditioning for Camera class I am teaching on March 23 and 30 has one spot left. The odds are that spot will be filled but in the case it isn’t, a couple of people mentioned that they were either short on cash or not available both days, so I am going to split that spot and offer the first day alone for $150 and the second day alone for $100. Of course, that’s because the first day will be easier to jump in for and have more value in terms of it being the introductory class. The second will still be valuable but I won’t be reviewing so you will jump in and have a chance to work with me on two pieces for the day.
Of course, if someone does take the full spot, that person will be priority so we can’t confirm these two split spots until probably Friday morning the 22nd.
Here is the half day form.
12. Guest Post of the Week
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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