Pee Stain, the ‘C’ Word, and New Cheating App
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Haven’t taught this in my audition class yet because I just learned this lesson myself on Saturday. If you have a callback with two scenes — one sitting, one standing — and you have rushed to that callback, and you take a pee right before you go in, because NERVES, and it leaves a fairly sizeable pee stain on the front of your pants, do the sitting down scene first.
2. If the Raptors have taught me anything this year, it is that it is truly amazing how few people will research a photo that has pretty obviously been photoshopped.
3. Hey, 400 Eastern!!!!! How much urine do you think I can produce, exactly?
4. Well, if you absolutely HAVE TO give a theatre company to ONE straight white male, this is the fucking guy to give it to. He has already more than proven himself a leader with integrity and class at the helm and an artist with impeccable vision.
5. Always Remember: If you can’t get off book you can at least get off Facebook.
6. Had a disagreement with a formerly close friend last week who said, “You can never call a woman the ‘c’ word.” I intentionally haven’t used the word here to be unnecessarily provocative or crass.
I assume he was objecting to the use of the word on some kind of sexist grounds, but ironically it is his statement that is, of course, a sexist one in and of itself. “You can never call a woman the ‘c’ word.” Why not?
I consider myself a feminist in that I believe in absolute equality. And, to be dead honest, I rarely use the word at all unless I am describing Doug Ford or white supremacists. I don’t like the word. It’s a horrible, guttural, harsh, ugly, and offensive word. So, I reserve it only to describe people that are horrible, offensive, and ugly in their beliefs and/or behaviour. I think it is one of worst things, if not the worst thing, you can call a man or a woman aside from obvious racist or discriminatory words and phrases. It should definitely exclusively be used for the worst kind of people, if you are going to use it at all, regardless of their sex.
I don’t call either men or women that word 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999 percent of the time, but if one behaves in an absolutely inexcusably deplorable manner, it doesn’t matter what reproductive organs they possess, they’ve earned being called it. At least, in that moment, in my mind.
Feminists say that you should not treat a woman any differently than a man. And I make every effort not to. I’m raising my daughter no differently than I would have raised a son. The idea that you can’t call a woman any name you would call a man stems from the minds of men who want to appear like they are some kind of chivalrous heroes who have been put on Earth to protect women from the ugliness of… words, I suppose, but I don’t know any feminists who believe that women need or want men to protect them from anything. They just want men to respect them and treat them as equals and, mostly, just leave them the fuck alone, so that they can peacefully live their own lives.
Now, if my formerly close friend had said, “You should never use the ‘c’ word at all,” that might be an argument worth considering. He may even have been right. But he didn’t say that. What he said is just sexism wearing the mask of the machismo hero saving the helpless damsel bullshit. And if you disagree with me and agree with him, that makes no difference to me at all. I just thought it was a point worth bringing up.
7. I don’t know if this counts as art. But I do know it counts as awesome.
8. Help Wanted Ad of the Week
9. There is a new app available for cheaters and liars and their extended circles that just hides ALL of your friends’ names and their comments and likes and photos, so that NOT ONLY can your partner not see them but NOBODY AT ALL can see them except you. It just makes keeping track of all the blocking and hiding so much simpler.
The app’s called TwoFaceBook.
10. If you are ever wondering where the line is drawn by the fine and good people in wardrobe who are more than willing to help peel off clothes that have become completely glued to your body after you have been marinating in corn syrup-based fake blood for twelve hours or so — it’s cleaning the dried up fake blood out of your asscrack.
THAT is where the line is drawn. And that is more than fair, in my opinion.
11. Hero of the Week
12. Guest Post of the Week
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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