Best of Nappoholics Anonymous 2019
Tony Nappo, of Nappoholics Anonymous fame, is taking a holiday break after another year of sharing twelve thoughts weekly. We’ve collected some of his wittiest ones to revisit over the break.
1. It was so cold last week I hugged Albert Schultz to get warm. (Week 122: Nose Piercing, a Stewardess Fight, and the Winter Smoking Blues)
2. Instant Classic Me: (Week 149: TIFF, Martin Doyle, and Telus)
3. I don’t get why people are so shocked when somebody in Toronto starts dumping buckets of shit on people, when most people spend all day every day doing the exact same thing from behind their keyboards. (Week 161: Lip Service, Old Robert De Niro, and Other Tony)
4. Imagine my surprise when Canada Post contacted me to let me know that they were honouring the 150th edition of Nappoholics with this stamp. The only downside, of course, is that people no longer need to lick stamps to use them, though, I suspect many will opt to do that, anyway. (Week 150: The Big 150, Stamps, and TTC Heroes)
5. Recently, whenever my penis is in the mood and the rest of me isn’t, I’ve taken to saying, “OK, Boner.” (Week 160: Dead Tony, James Dean, and Dicking Around on Set)
6. This is my new favourite euphemism for… well, come on. YOU KNOW!!! (Week 147: Don Knotts, Dad’s Cane, and Understudying Myself)
7. If you are ever doing a table read and don’t want to be judged for your poor snacking habits, here’s a little trick I use. Build an outside wall of healthy stuff for other people to see and hide the Timbits and cookies on your own side behind it.
You’re welcome. (Week 123: Mister Rogers, Fatherhood, and Melted Cheese)
8. As a person who grew up in Scarborough, here, respectfully, is the only thing I can possibly see wrong with the casting of a Black woman as Hamlet… You NEVER fuck with a Black woman. If her father’s ghost says to her that her uncle killed him, her uncle should be dead in the next scene. There’s a reason that he is a dude from Denmark. Ain’t no Italian Hamlets neither. (Week 155: Punching, Stabbing, and Spitting)
9. Who knew these things were brewed? (Week 146: Hashbrags, Subs, and Revelations)
10. Is there any better argument FOR abortion than Sam Oosterhoff? (Week 136: Evan Hansen, Audition Show Tunes, and Being Cool)
11. “I would never wear brown face. In fact, if I become Prime Minister and have my way, you’d hardly ever see a brown face in Canada again.” (Week 151: LA, Traffic, and Trudeau)
12. You know that feeling of anxiety you get when you have needed to have a bowel movement for a while and you are almost at a toilet? Your body starts to actually anticipate the act and start to prepare for it? But you have to actually make it to that toilet first?? That’s how I feel every time I read or hear the name Doug Ford – he is like a shit that I really can’t wait to take and be rid of. (Week 129: Dinner-Sized Salads, Murdoch Mysteries, and a Big Favour)
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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