Nice Penises, Consistency, and Better Heroes
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. I didn’t watch the Super Bowl this year in support of Colin Kaepernick. In fact, I’ve been supporting him in that same way for about twenty years or so now.
2. Public Service Announcement of the Week:
3. I was quite disappointed to tune into Uncut Gems and find out it wasn’t a documentary about really nice penises that have not been circumcised.
4. Fuck Yeah of the Week:
5. Backstage Exchange of the Week:
Saturday Feb 1, 2020
Xavier Lopez: I fucked up in all the same places tonight that I did this afternoon.
Daren Herbert: At least you’re consistent.
6. Obvious Answer of the Week:
7. If you’ve been through a breakup with children involved, watching the movie A Marriage Story is like watching a movie about your dog dying the day after your dog dies.
8.
I didn’t have anything specific to say on Bell Let’s Talk Day, but I write a lot of things like this. I don’t believe myself to be suicidal in any way but shit sure does get me down sometimes. Just saying I’m here and I get it, if anyone ever needs to talk.
9. Line I Will Be Stealing of the Week:
10. Share of the Week:
11. I don’t know what we have sunk to, as a society, when people start saying stuff like “Bowie did it, too. Did you say the same thing about him?” Like they cancel each other out, racially. You get one, we get one. I don’t fucking want one. You can have Bowie. You can have Polanski. You can have Woody Allen. Take all of them. You can have anyone that committed crime that you want. I don’t want any part of them. Not any of them.
We all deserve better heroes.
12. Fable of the Week:
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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