Porn, Pudding Cups, and Some Good Fucking Poems
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Asking for a loyal reader. Is there ANOTHER internet somewhere with more porn on it?
2. COVID Confession #474:
There was a day last week where all I ate for the entire day was 5 pudding cups. THAT was a good day.
3. This week, in an unexpected move, COVID-19 fired both its agent and manager after this first headshot was sent out in a press release. When asked for comment, the virus said, “I mean, come on, man. Look at that fucking picture. Seriously, look at it. I mean people already don’t like me because all of the sickness and death I’ve caused. How the hell is this shot gonna help change public opinion? I look like a round, balding ginger. That’s just more unimportant bullshit for the haters to hate on because—why? I’m different from them? I can’t help it if every personal trainer or groomer I come into contact with dies. I mean, I’m a fucking virus, man! I told my team I should have remained mysterious. Mysteries are fucking cool!!!!! This whole fucking thing has just been a PR nightmare for me. I miss the old days when a virus could just make people sick and kill them without having to feel the pressure to fulfill media content needs all day and night. I never set out to be famous. I just love doing my job.”
4. I never get why people refer to saying the word fuck as dropping the F Bomb. It’s not a bomb. It’s just a fucking word. I use it so often that it would be like calling it “dropping the T bomb” whenever people say the word “the.”
5. Guest Post of the Week:
6. Instagram Post of the Week:
7. Memorial of the Week:
8. Easter Reflections: I mean, yeah, emerging from a cave from the dead after three days probably seemed like a big deal 2000 years ago. But it’s a little harder to be blown away by that when my own life has ended, and I’ve been in my own cave waiting to re-emerge and come back to life FOR SIX FUCKING WEEKS… AND COUNTING!!!
9. I discovered this brilliant Canadian painter Christian McLeod while watching Ron Hawkins weekly Tommy Tuesdays Facebook live stream. While Ron performs songs from his monster catalogue, a portrait of Tommy Douglas—that Christian painted—hangs behind him.
I chose this piece Lake Shore Towers because it seems to represent, quite clearly and in an accessible way, all of the components that I found drew me to his work, both in his artist mission statement and in his paintings themselves. In his artist’s statement Christian says, “Painting is my way of remembering and interpreting beauty and destruction. I begin by viewing reality as composed of layers of colour and shape, observing the way that light reflects off an object, and the tension objects generate when placed next to or on top of each other. Landscapes from a great distance become a single object… a century and a half ago, photography liberated painting from the task of representation; today, satellite imagery redefines how we perceive our landscape and environment, and thus blurs the line between abstraction and representation, between the bird’s eye view and the microscope.”
I chose this artist and this piece because I think Christian’s work gives us visual representation of the feelings that are going on inside of us right now, in the way that we are going through change—obviously—letting go of the lives that we have lived up until now while simultaneously fearing and preparing for whatever forms and colours our lives are going to adapt to during this pandemic, and what our lives may look like on the other side of it. As well, we are experiencing information and experience itself twofold at present—in the micro of our own immediate surroundings as we are confined by our self-isolation and the macro as we explore and absorb and interact with the rest of the world, primarily, virtually.
I like this piece particularly because it strikes me as terrifying and apocalyptic. But it also quite beautifully captures man’s vision and scope of the world he wanted to and did successfully build during and after the industrial revolution—a world which we no longer seem able to successfully sustain, and which is presently in danger of collapsing completely at any given moment.
Please check out more of Christian’s powerful works at www.christianmcleod.com and at @cmcmcleod on Instagram.
10. Poem of the Week:
11. Reminder of the Week (from my Cost of Living script)
12. Oh, great. Poker’s a fucking sport again.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
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Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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