Star Fuckers, Serial Monogamists, and Anal Sex Anonymous
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. The news of Brent Carver’s passing was a shock to all who heard it. The more I think of it—and taking nothing away from the devastating void he leaves us with—the more poetry I see in his final exit. It just doesn’t seem possible that it’s a cosmic coincidence that his death happened at a time where theatre has died and is not, for some time, likely to return. Possibly ever again, as we knew it.
Brent Carver was theatre itself. He was theatre as we all knew it.
Rest in Peace, Sir.
2. Anniversary of the Week:
Toronto’s Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward: Ryan Hollyman and Monica Dotter married 19 years as of July 31st, 2020. A solid fuckin’ run to date and still runnin’ strong.
3. COVID Epiphanies #712 and #713: Coffee is a thing which is really hard to make until you’ve already had a coffee; glasses are really hard to find if you don’t already have your glasses on.
4. The people who I really feel bad for during this pandemic are Star Fuckers. With the borders closed to American actors, the best they can possibly hope to be is People-That-Other-People-Kind-
5. Most people who proudly identify as “serial monogamists” remind me of puppies. They’re fun for about three or four months and then people start getting tired of their shit.
6. Fuck Yeah of the Week:
7. Here is the main thing about taking acting classes or being coached: it’s a fucking craft. If you aren’t going to do the work required to learn the material and show up prepared for each class, don’t waste your time. You can’t coach somebody to be better at something if they aren’t actually doing the thing you are trying to coach them to be better at. Nobody can help you improve your slapshot if you aren’t showing them your BEST slapshot. Saying something is a thing you really want to do is not the same thing as actually doing it.
8. Meme of the Century:
9. The Progressive Conservative party should consider replacing Andrew Scheer with one of those grocery store doors with an automatic sensor on it because at least the door would know when to shut the fuck up.
10. Guest Post of the Week:
11. With the NHL supporting Black Lives Matter, I kinda wish Don Cherry was back doing hockey broadcasts just so I could watch him say some stupid All Lives Matter shit and get his ass fired all over again.
12. Can’t believe they kicked me out of Anal Sex Anonymous after one meeting. All I did was get caught with a black marker turning the Keep Coming Back sign into a Don’t Keep Coming on My Back sign. I mean, that shit was both supportive AND hilarious.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
LEARN MORE
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Comments