Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
Nappoholics Anonymous is a column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Accidental Discovery of the Week: in a pinch, during particularly freezing cold Canadian winter days, a plastic bag full of steaming fresh dog shit makes a pretty decent hand warmer.
2. Zinger of the Week
3. How fucked up is it that we live in a world where we even needed to debate this? You can’t defend Will Smith’s actions on Oscar night. And this is coming from a guy who very likely could have done the exact same thing, or some other super similarly, spectacularly stupid act of indulgence. Understanding why he did it or relating to the impulse doesn’t excuse what happened. You simply can’t hit a person whenever you want to. If you could, I’d be hitting somebody right now instead of writing this. And I know that he subsequently apologized, but it took twenty hours and a team of writers to craft that apology, when he could have owned his actions right away instead of that love vessel/ protector bullshit.
Do I think this incident will hurt Will Smith, ultimately? Not at all. Why? Because he makes a lot of people a lot of money, and because this incident seems sooooo out of character for this beloved actor, who most of us have literally watched grow up in front of the camera. This is not his brand at all, which is why it was so shocking and unexpected, but I still think it’s extremely important that we recognize and distinguish between what is and what is not acceptable behaviour — at an awards show or otherwise. There are boundaries that one simply can not cross with impunity. Striking someone because you don’t like what they say is one of them.
You can absolutely forgive him. I’m not calling for his head or cancellation or any specific punishment. People fuck up. It happens. I certainly won’t continue to hold this against him. But that is an entirely different thing than saying that what he did was justifiable in any way.
4. Duh of the Week
5. Shoutout of the Week
6. I have the most adorable six-month-old puppy now. He’s like a living Muppet in the way he looks and moves. People keep saying to me, “wow, I bet he’s a real magnet for women.” I always say in response, “yeah, he attracts them, but he doesn’t blind them.”
7. Chart of the Week
8. I was talking to a young actor about conducting himself as a professional in terms of female coworkers and flirting and whatnot. I explained to him how I never hit on female actors or coworkers anymore because I see it as kind of gross and pathetic for a guy at my age, and as just plain unprofessional for a guy at any age. He asked me, what about when I was younger? I told him, “oh, I was a manwhore, but that was a completely different time and I was a completely different person. I was a guy who hit on women relentlessly because that’s what I thought men were supposed to do. At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.”
And then, I thought that that is such a great fucking line that I had to share it. Feel free to use it about people who presently should not be proud of themselves.
9. Food for Thought of the Week
10. I moved into my condo during COVID. It has a gorgeous, two-story gym that I have not even set foot in yet. I ran into a young couple the other day in the elevator, and they were dressed in gym attire. I asked if that’s where they were headed, and they said they were, and I explained that I have never even set foot in the facility since I moved in a year and a half ago.
They said, almost in unison, “you really should”.
I adopted my not-amused tough guy persona and jokingly asked them, very lowly, “did you guys just call me old and fat at the exact same time?”
They laughed politely and went on with their workout. I grabbed a burger without fries and called that a victory.
11. Classic Ella: April Fools Day
12. Life Coach of the Week
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Squid Game, Pre-Madonnas, and CBC Porn
I got my hands on the first few episodes of the Sex and the City reboot, and was quite enjoying it before I realized I had opened the wrong file and was actually watching Golden Girls reruns.
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