Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Nappoholics Anonymous is a column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. It gets easier once they start to melt.
2. Ran into this woman in my building the other day, who I always refer to as “the dog lady” in my mind, but her name is actually Sharon.
Very nice woman. Outgoing. Has two dogs and lots of really valuable and knowledgeable dog advice. I believe she may even help people train their dogs. She asked me how my day was and I told her that it had been a long one. I had done some house painting in the morning and then shot Strays in the afternoon. She looked absolutely horrified.
I had wrongly assumed that I had told her, at some point, that I’m on a TV show called Strays.
3. Tribute of the Week
4. I once saw Gilbert Gottfried at a recording studio, and the door was open so I just let myself in to say hello to him. I introduced myself as a fan and he just stared at me, looking quite annoyed. Turns out I had walked in on a documentary they were shooting about him and there was an entire camera crew in there I hadn’t seen. I apologized and thanked Mr. Gottfried for his work and confessed that I had actually used his voice a couple of times on some animated stuff.
He still hadn’t spoken to me and, at this point, as he was staring at me, he started eating these tiny finger sandwiches — seeming really to enjoy the awkwardness of the situation. The crew asked me to do a little of his voice for them and, as much as Gottfried seemed not to want me to, I figured, fuck him. I’m gonna play his game with him. He was either doing a bit or just being a dick for fun, and so I did him in front of him with a fair amount of confidence. The crew laughed and enjoyed it and said maybe Gilbert can go home now and I can just take over for him.
He doesn’t say anything or really react at all. Just keeps eating those finger sandwiches slowly and staring at me. After about thirty seconds that seems like a month, I say, “come on, you have to admit I’m pretty fucking amazing.” He doesn’t miss a beat and, after saying nothing for the entire time that I have been in the room, he corrects me in that voice that is louder than it needs to be and makes everything he says sound hilarious:
“These egg salad sandwiches are amazing!”
5. Initiative of the Week
6. Painting a house for Erin Shields and Gideon Arthurs. We had this exchange that only theatre people will find funny.
7. It’s come to my attention lately that there are people who don’t like to use the word scale when talking about the established minimum rate of pay actors get paid. They would rather say “the minimum” even though we all know it is more than usually also the maximum rate of pay being offered. Calling it anything but scale just feels like some form of denial. I mean, you can call herpes a box of fucking chocolates if you want to, but it’s still gonna feel like herpes.
8. An Entire Meal for Thought
9. Went to see a production last week called Canadian Buffalo but it just didn’t pack the same punch. Probably because, after trashing the shop, Teach apologizes and cleans it up better than it was to begin with.
10. Reflection of the Week
11. I wish people had tails like dogs do so that I could tell right away who is actually happy to see me and who is full of shit. I mean, it’s usually not that hard to figure out, in time, but dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they’re either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
12. Reflection of the Week
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Squid Game, Pre-Madonnas, and CBC Porn
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Squid Game, Pre-Madonnas, and CBC Porn
I got my hands on the first few episodes of the Sex and the City reboot, and was quite enjoying it before I realized I had opened the wrong file and was actually watching Golden Girls reruns.
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