Mister Rogers, Fatherhood, and Melted Cheese
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Last week I read for three different detective roles in the same project: Detective Lotsadays, Detective Fewerdays, and Detective Prollyjustafuckinday.
Wish me luck.
2. Not to be outdone, the El Chapo family donated thirty million to U of T for Pacing, Sweating, and Sleeplessness Research.
3. Two actors converse in my head:
-Have you ever read the Meisner book?
-Yes.
-Yes, you’ve read the Meisner book?
-Uh. Yeah. I said yes.
-You said yes, you’ve read the Meisner book?
-I literally just said yes twice.
-You literally just said yes twice?
-Dude! Seriously. What the hell is your problem?
Long pause
–(Barely audible)You have NOT read the fucking Meisner book.
4. If you are ever doing a table read and don’t want to be judged for your poor snacking habits, here’s a little trick I use. Build an outside wall of healthy stuff for other people to see and hide the Timbits and cookies on your own side behind it.
You’re welcome.
5. I tried to use provolone to make a cheeseburger this week and I don’t think it’s any exaggeration to say that that was the worst decision I’d made in my entire life. I hate to admit it but Italians, who clearly dominate the world when it comes to making cheese you melt INSIDE of shit that you eat (provolone, mozzarella, ricotta), simply can not compete when it comes to melting Orange White People Cheese on top of food. We just can’t.
6. Unsuccessful Pillow Talk Dad Line #379-
You make me as hard as seventh grade math.
7. Why does it have to get to the “complaints” level before this kind of bullshit is pulled from the stores? Why isn’t it killed at the “common sense and decency” level at the very first proposal meeting?
Fuck Gucci.
8. Everyone seemed to enjoy Ella’s writing so much last week so I thought I’d share this. Before starting the new school term, she had gotten herself these ridiculously long fake nails so her mom asked me to get her to write a paragraph about anything so that we could make her cut them off when she failed. Except . . .
9. I wrote this about a year ago but haven’t used it in this column yet. I saw my dad on Thursday and decided it was time to.
10. I cannot recommend the documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, about beloved children’s show host Fred (Mister) Rogers, highly enough. I think the only people who may have any kind of negative reaction watching it would possibly be those who have been waiting for the second coming of Jesus. I say this sincerely because it would appear, to me, at least, after seeing this film, that they may have missed him.
What an incredibly caring, compassionate, intelligent, and articulate leader and teacher, rock-solid in consistency of message, character and vision. A man who actually listened when people spoke to him and responded gently, graciously and respectfully to everyone he met, in equal measure.
11. Guest Post of the Week
12. The woman I have recently been seeing checked in to see how I was doing during my train ride to Ottawa, this past weekend, so I texted this photo of me half asleep.
She immediately wrote back, “Is that a blue NERD on your chest?”
“Busted,” I confessed.
“Bahahahahaha. Dying. Put it in your column,” she wrote back.
And in that moment I knew, deep down, that of the approximately 7.7 billion people on this planet, the universe had delivered me into the arms of the EXACT right person.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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