Sting, Coded Sides, and Cinnabon
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Maria Morvillo gets credit for the punch line on this one:
If it were the men of our species who had to give birth to babies, abortions would be available at Tim Hortons.
2. In a recent interview to promote his show The Last Ship, Sting finally confessed that all his tantric sex claims and stories of epic, multiple-day love making sessions years ago were a complete fabrication. When asked why, he replied: ”Well it wouldn’t be very rock star-like to admit that I’m as boring in bed as I am when I’m speaking. Like right now, for example. My voice is amazing. It truly is. It’s almost hypnotic, really. So much so, in fact, that you barely even notice that though I’m saying a lot of words, I’m droning on about absolutely nothing. There is some truth to the tantric claims though, because those love making sessions, while quite standard in length, did apparently FEEL LIKE days to my wife.”
3. Top 5 Worst Kind of Fuckers
5. Dog fuckers
4. Star fuckers
3. Spouse’s friends fuckers
2. Friends’ spouses fuckers
1. Doug Ford
4. Fucking Right of the Week.
If you don’t frame that shit, nobody else is gonna.
5. I have yet to be able to open a set of coded sides that have been sent to me for an audition. I think maybe because they’re time sensitive. In fact, I refused to audition for the new Star Trek series solely because I was locked out of my own audition sides. But then again, realistically, who the fuck would ever put ME on a Star Trek series anyway.
Also, why the hell do we have to sign NDAs for the bloody auditions? I mean it’s not like anybody who gets the sides or script can’t just write them out again somewhere and sell them to the highest bidder. Nobody would ever be able to trace where they came from if it was done offline. Honestly, after being put through all that bullshit merely to be able to look at their own fucking sides, and then possibly (probably) not get booked, I wouldn’t blame an actor for thinking of doing just that. (To be clear, I would never do that and neither should you.) The only thing I can truly see being accomplished by these annoying safeguards is that it should absolutely stop people from even thinking about posting photos and/or information about a show before the production permits them to do so. But that’s about all. So why not just make that the hard-and-fast rule and leave the rest to the honour system? Just don’t post anything until either the producer asks you to, the show airs, or the movie opens to the public.
6. I was totally looking forward to that foursome until everyone else showed up with golf clubs.
7. Tweet of the Week
8. Conversation of the Week that I’m glad Philip Riccio was not a part of:
Me: What are you talking about? You’re not even Italian!!!
My Mother: I got news for you, buddy. Your mother is British, you don’t speak Italian, and you were born here. You’re not Italian at all. You’re CANADIAN!!
Me: Oh, yeah??!! Well, I play Italians ON TV so that makes me EVEN MORE Italian than real Italians, in the eyes of the public!!!
I’m gonna call that one a tie.
9. BRA. VO.
10. I was out on Friday night and grabbed a Cinnabon at Eglinton subway station on the way home at about 10:30 PM. As I was making myself sick trying to finish it I thought: “I must be the first person in history with no ability to smell anything at all to impulsively grab a Cinnabon at 10:30 PM on a Friday.”
11. Guest Post of the Week
12. If you are an acting educator; a coach, teacher, guest director – someone who in some capacity is educating students in the field of acting – you should consider attending this conference on May 27 and 28 at Tarragon Theatre: https://www.gybactingeducators.com/. My understanding is it will help educators get involved in the dialogue, and be sure that we are all on similar pages in terms of how we teach, regardless of the particulars of what we are teaching. I’m not entirely sure because I haven’t attended yet, but I’m planning to.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
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Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
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Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
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Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
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Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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