Purple Rain, Blue Seats, and The Little Mermaid
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
*Nappoholics Anonymous will be on hiatus for three weeks, returning the week of August 6.
1. The scariest thing about Stranger Things season 3 is the length of Will Byers’ shorts.
2. Tweet of the Week
3. I knew the news was real when Kawhi blocked me on both Instagram AND Twitter.
4. Too bad Beau Dixon is eight feet tall because this motherfucker right here would be a shoe-in for Purple Rain: The Musical whenever it should come to pass.
5. Laugh-In star Arte Johnson died last week at the age of 90. Christopher Kennedy told me that he worked with Mr. Johnson years ago and that he gave Christopher two pieces of professional advice that I’ll now share here with you.
Firstly, always mumble your lines so you can get an extra day of work doing ADR.
And secondly, if ever you don’t like a take that you are doing, look directly into the camera lens so they can’t use it.
6. I stumbled upon this artist, Daniel Barkley, when his portrait of Quincy Armorer (his Facebook profile picture) caught my eye. I find his super-real work to be completely engaging and alive. And in some of the pieces, such as the one featured here, “Étude pour exorcisme 2,” there is an incredible story being told on top of the completely arresting visual. There is both playfulness and a sense of pain that shines through equally and simultaneously, which I always appreciate, as it reflects, in my perception anyway, life itself. You can see more of Daniel’s work at www.danielbarkley.com/en_gallery.
7. Guest Post of the Week
8. The other day on the subway, I saw a man staring at a very attractive young woman to the point of making her visibly uncomfortable. After this went on for a while, I went over and put my face about six inches from his and stayed like that for about twenty seconds. Then I said, “That’s what it feels like to be stared at.”
He nervously got off at the next stop. I never looked back at the woman for her to thank me or take it as an opportunity to strike up a conversation because I felt like it would seem like that’s why I did it—to impress or win the favour of an attractive woman. I wasn’t trying to be her hero. I just did it because it was the right thing to do.
9. Rocketman is to Bohemian Rhapsody what A Madea Family Funeral is to The Colour Purple.
10. This is the only TTC ad in the entire series that isn’t completely lame, ESPECIALLY if you think about those blue seats in terms of the House of Commons.
11. Groaner of the Week
12. The Final Scene Between The Ex Lovers in the Screenplay I Am Never Going To Write
Cindy: For fuck sake, Trevor. Yes!!! I approached YOU!!! I pursued you!!!! I said that we were exclusive and that I would stab out the eyes of any woman interested in you!! I called and texted and sent you selfies every single day for months!!!! I led you to believe I had feelings for you when I didn’t have any at all!!!! And, yes, I lied to you!!!! Every single time you asked me a direct question about anything you found odd, I lied!!! I hid things I was doing from you and lied about them. I hid people I was involved with from you and lied when you asked me directly about them!!! I used my situation and your inflated ego to manipulate you and play you for the clueless idiot you are!!!! I never had any intention of having any kind of an actual relationship with you!!!! I never even told anyone we were together, really!!! I was just killing time with you until my partner moved out of the house!!! That happened!!!!! That all happened!!!!! And when you confronted me about it all, I ghosted!!! I ghosted and blocked you in every possible way rather than tell you the truth and own any of it!!!! Is that what you want to hear??!!!
Trevor: Yeah, well, that’s pretty much exactly what happened. How the fuck do you even live with yourself?
Cindy: Great!!! So now you’ve heard it. So, why don’t you just let it go now?? It’s old and fucking tired!!!! Why can’t you leave me alone now and just get on with your pathetic excuse for a fucking life!!!!!???
(A long pause as Trevor digests her words)
Trevor: I have a better idea. Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Cindy? Everyone else already has.
*Nappoholics Anonymous will be on hiatus for three weeks, returning the week of August 6.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
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Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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