Hashbrags, Subs, and Revelations
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Listening to a radio edit of almost any gangster rap song is a lot like listening to a truck while it’s backing up.
2. I was painting in the lobbies at Canadian Stage last week and I convinced them to let me work at night after everyone leaves because there is less traffic, but really it’s because I just want to hack into Brendan Healy’s computer because you JUST KNOW there’s got to be some crazy awesome shit up in there.
3. If THIS isn’t the fucking dictionary definition of Fake News, I don’t know what is.
4. I’ve dropped about thirty pounds this year and people keep asking me how I did it. It was simple, really: I just replaced food with self-pity and resentment. That shit just eats you alive. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. It’s really great for weight loss but pretty much fuck all else.
5. Revelation of the Week
6. Top 5 Lesser-Known Hashbrags
5. #Stumblebrag
“You see that shit??!! How did I not fall down?!! I never go down!!! I’m like a fucking cat!! I have got THE BEST balance!!”
4. #Rumblebrag
“I stabbed two guys in the leg and knocked another guy’s three front teeth out! And I wasn’t even trying!!!”
3. #Mumblebrag
“Oh yuh? wey ah guh mo munies and ah way butter lick in den use.”
2. #Bumblebrag
“I fucked like 25 sunflowers today and it isn’t even noon yet, bruh.”
1. #Crumblebrag
“My shit’s so sweet, I’ll give your ass diabetes, yo. But you wanna eat me STILL, yo!!!”
7. I worked on a project this summer that had the worst fucking craft truck ever. I mean, there is a lot of production going on and you kind of have to book whoever you can get at a certain point. BUT…One day for subs they announced that we were getting lasagna and handed us a paper cup—not even a paper BOWL but a CUP with one single bite of lasagna at the bottom of it. Subs, for those who don’t know, is the short form of the word substantial—as in a substantial snack. This is usually served around halfway between the start of the work day and the lunch break, which starts six hours into the day. Essentially, we were given a single ravioli as a sub.
A SINGLE BITE OF LASAGNA IS NOT A FUCKING SUBSTANTIAL SNACK!!!!
I made a lot of noise about it and the producers were great about paying attention to the spoiled actor screaming about not being handed enough free food. BUT I explained to the producer who approached me that I really didn’t give a fuck about the food because I’d been eating all day but that I had made a big fuss on behalf of the poor crew that had been working their asses off all day and didn’t have the license that I had to make that much noise when they were hungry and not being fed properly. The producers were super cool and understanding and the next craft people they brought in were amazing.
Sometimes it’s okay to be the asshole as long as it serves the greater good.
8. Tweet of the Week
9. This untitled piece was done by Jen Cooper, whose house I painted years ago. She says it isn’t done yet but I say it is. I see a winter landscape at sunset and maybe some Indigenous influence. And I really like the space she allows in the top left, which I like to think of as a Canadian sky. She doesn’t have a website, but you can see Jen’s other pieces at @lashycooper on Instagram.
10. Noted this about myself on the subway this summer. Whenever I see a same-sex couple holding hands in public, my immediate response is to nod or smile some kind of signal of support. The next thing I do is scan the area for whomever it is I may have to be ready to fight and then prepare my fight strategy.
11. Who knew these things were brewed?
12. Guest Post of the Week
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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