Don Knotts, Dad’s Cane, and Understudying Myself
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. If Don Knotts had ever become the head of a Mafia family during his lifetime, it wouldn’t have affected the way people addressed him at all.
2. I was packing up my apartment this summer to put stuff into storage and I decided to just throw out all the CDs and DVDs I would have had to pack and transport to sit unused (as they have for the better part of a decade now) in wherever my new location was going to be—5,000-10,000 dollars’ worth of shit when I bought them and probably worth a grand total of about 200 bucks now.
And I thought cocaine was a bad investment.
3. Ever wonder where the term “Break a Leg” comes from? My good friend, Jim Milan, gave me the answer.
4. Relationship Tip #72:
Share your body. Share your mind. Share your soul. Share your history. Share your heart. Share your humour. Share your politics. Hell, share your food and clothes if you want. But whatever else you are going to share, save your music til last. Because I’ll tell you this for fuckin’ free—it only takes one bad relationship to ruin a shit ton of good songs.
5. Guest Joke of the Week
6. A guy on suicide watch who allegedly ran a pedophile ring that the President of the United States of America was allegedly involved in hung himself in his jail cell—and STILL there are people who believe that copying and pasting some fucking thing on INSTAGRAM is somehow going to protect them from anything. You have to kind of admire people with the ability to continue to have faith in a system that is so obviously and transparently broken.
7. I mean, I think my new headshot captures my essence, but I don’t think it’s a very good likeness. I could be wrong.
8. Hey actors, you know that statement of policy that’s on all the breakdowns now, where it says they are committed to diversity and strongly encourage submissions of all ethnicities and sexes and levels of physical ability and so on? Well, last week I received a breakdown with that statement on it that was immediately followed by the five roles to cast. Beside each of the five roles it said—in capital letters, no less—CAUCASIAN.
It would have been funny if it wasn’t so stupid.
9. Guest Post of the Week
10. This is my new favourite euphemism for… well, come on. YOU KNOW!!!
11. Classic Me
12. I went on one date with a super cool woman a couple of months ago. We had never met before that evening, but we knew who each other was. We had a nice meal and a nice long walk and got along really well right off the bat. It was probably too soon to go on an actual date with anyone, but it was a really great evening. Over the course of the night, I discovered that she hated cigarette smoke and had two cats, which I am deadly allergic to.
Out of respect for her wishes, I didn’t smoke once the whole evening, although it was killing me (but not really). It was totally worth it, though, not to make her have to negotiate something she hated just to indulge myself. We had planned on a second date, but at more or less the last minute, I was honest with her and said I didn’t really think I was ready to date anyone yet but I thought she was amazing. She said she had gotten that sense from me but she really liked me too and we agreed that friendship was probably the better route to take and we so both went on with our lives having gained a friend rather than trying to make something work that probably wasn’t going to.
It’s funny how your perspective shifts as you get older. What I probably would have viewed as a complete waste of time as a younger man turned out to be a really wonderful experience—both the date and the process of the decision that followed it. We both walked away from that conversation about not having a second date after all with a new friend rather than the resentment or disappointment that can come when people misrepresent themselves, intentionally or not, because they just want so badly for the other person to like them.
I could have maybe bullshitted my way through another date or two, but why put her through that? I liked her too much to do that. It occurred to me afterwards that I hadn’t even tried to strategize a way to get closer to this very beautiful woman. Again, that’s something my younger self definitely would have done, especially because I really do like her and find her super attractive. And, reciprocally, her honesty didn’t hurt me at all. I didn’t feel rejected. I felt respected. And I respected her back for that—for really seeing me and where I was at and not feeling like she had to either pretend she didn’t see it or just ghost me altogether.
I knew I wasn’t in a place yet to have anything more than friendship to offer. And she knew that too. But what the fuck is wrong with friendship? Nobody got hurt or walked away feeling deceived or resentful. It was the best date I’ve had all year and we didn’t even kiss good night!!!!!!! We were both so relieved that the other was feeling the same way, of course, because we didn’t want the other to feel rejected or let down. We laughed about it all recently and she said to me, “I’m so glad we adulted the crap out of that date.”
I KNOW?! A positive Nappoholics item about a dating in my fifties??!! What the fuck??!! It is the dawn of a new day, my friends. And thank you to my new friend, especially. Go Leafs Go!
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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