Porn Subtitles, Fake Bacon, and Whitey
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. I find it really hard to simultaneously argue that it matters that women directors have been completely cheated by the Academy Awards and that the Academy Awards are complete bullshit and don’t matter at all…
But that doesn’t stop me from trying!!!!
2. 
Are you telling me that some of the videos DO HAVE subtitles??!! That is going to be SO HELPFUL. I’m forever mixing up the step moms with the best friend’s moms.
3. Fuck Yeah of the Week:
4. If the jury could please take their seats, I have reached my decision in the case of whether or not a Big Mac with Bacon is still a Big Mac. Having now tried one because of those two arguing guys on television, I can tell you that the sandwiches they are presently selling at McDonald’s by that name, technically, don’t appear have any actual bacon on or in them at all. There is a single paper thin strip of something that appears to have been either painted or dyed to resemble the colours of bacon, and I assume it must have been infused with some kind of chemical to deceive human taste buds into believing that it might actually taste bacon-like. But that shit ain’t bacon. No fucking way.
Final Ruling: Still a Big Mac.
Next case…
5. Agents Are People Too!!! of the Week:
6. Holiday Epiphany: The King’s Speech is the Rocky of speech impediment movies.
7. Artist of the Week:
Found this artist’s work on Kayla Lorette’s Instagram page and fell in love with it. I chose to go with three different pictures, which is rare for this column, but I felt like a single selection of Rachael Parsons’ work wouldn’t be fair as an introduction (if you don’t already know her). She primarily paints people as her subjects, which at first appear to be extreme exaggerations; but the more I look at them, the more I feel like they are realer in certain ways than a naturalistic rendering or even a photograph might be, because I feel like I actually know who these people are from her depictions. Like I have met them before and know what it is like to spend time with them. Rachael draws them initially in pen and ink on paper and then may employ water colour and/or acrylics before adding more ink for detail work over top of the paint. These pieces are called (from left to right) Lovers2, Untitled, and Let Me Teach You. You can see more of her work at rachealparsons.com
8. Hero of the Week:
9. Just a numbers game here but: three of the actors of colour who were nominated for ACTRA Awards this year (and deservedly – I enjoyed all three performances very much) were nominated on a show that, according to IMDB, has only ever cast seven actors of colour over three seasons. You white actors had waaaaaay more chances on that show and NOTHIN’!!! Get your shit together, Whitey!!!!
Jus’ saying.
10. Guest Post of the Week:
11. I watched a woman of colour who very obviously was suffering from mental health issues wander into the 7/11 at Dundas and Dovercourt two Mondays ago around 3:30pm, where I was mailing the Nappoholic toques out from. She was wearing a hospital gown and a jacket and shoes. Nothing else.
Three white young police officers showed up and spoke to her quite gently and kindly. She was not being co-operative at all. Again, she was mentally ill. The policemen did not take this as an excuse to switch tactics – they remained compassionate and invested in helping her. They established where she thought she lived and offered to take her home, but she refused over and over, saying her mom had kicked her out. The address was in Scarborough. Thinking maybe she had a fear of cops, I intervened and identified myself as a Scarborough guy and reassured her that everyone was only trying to help her and that it was going to get really cold really soon and she had to get some clothes on as soon as possible. She asked me for a cigarette, and I gave her one. The cops all worked with me and were quite kind to me, as well. I finally offered her the whole pack of cigarettes if she agreed to go with the cops. She did. One cop took the smokes and said as soon as she got home, he’d give them to her.
I write this not to highlight my involvement, but as a witness to three white, late twenty-early thirty-something cops showing complete respect and compassion for a woman of colour who was in a position of extreme vulnerability. They gently put her into a car, and I assume got her where she needed to be safely. There wasn’t an eye roll. Not a bad word about her said amongst themselves. Nothing negative took place at all. And I know because I was right there throughout all of it, making sure that none of that shit did happen.
I know there are countless stories of POCs being treated terribly by the cops and by the system, in general. This experience doesn’t erase any of those stories or the reality of how shitty it can be for people of colour. I just wanted to say that there are some decent individual cops out there who do legitimately care and are there to serve and protect all Torontonians equally. And that is where hope for a better future has to lay. In the actions and attitudes of individuals who do what they should be doing, rather than what they can get away with and justify amongst themselves.
12. Home Accent of the Week:
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
LEARN MORE
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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