Ubering For It, Paying For It, and Dying For It
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. One time an American friend asked me if, at this point in my career, I still had to audition to get roles. I told her that I worked in Canada—I still have to audition to get auditions.
2. These four women did something very special. Thank you so much from all of us. Wishing all four of you all the best in whatever comes next.
3. PREACH, BROTHER of the Week:
4. My only question about the NBA Disneyland plan is—who’s going to foot the bill for feeding and isolating all of the strippers, and hookers, and drug dealers it’s going to take to sustain the entire NBA Players Association and all of the employees of all of the organizations that will be involved?
At least it will stimulate the fuck out of the economy, I guess.
5. Ground Zero Report of the Week (heal quickly, Esther):
6. Arwen Humphreys is a good friend and a wonderful actor, best known for playing Mrs. Brackenried on Murdoch Mysteries. She is also a Leafs fan and has a knowledge of professional hockey unlike almost anyone I have ever known. She didn’t have any art training or history with it until one day about four years ago, when the manager of the restaurant she was working at asked her to draw something on the chalkboard outside. It turned out pretty well and she started to do that regularly. After losing both of her jobs when the pandemic started, a friend suggested she start drawing again to cope with the stress of it. A short while later, she got her hands on a pile of art supplies from the head of the Murdoch wardrobe department and she was off. Arwen’s created a line of cards called Happy Feels Flowers. A friend of hers who works as an ICU nurse said that one of the pictures she had seen had given her “happy feels,” and that’s what Arwen hopes everyone who buys her cards or receives them feels as well.
The cards come in packs of 5 for $30. You can email her at happyfeelsflowers@gmail.com or check her Instagram page @arwenhumpreys or visit her website here.
7. Love Letter of the Week:
8. I posted on Facebook a few weeks back about grabbing a friend a quarter pounder and dropping it off on his porch because he was craving one. I posted it because I went to a MacDonald’s that was near his place, which was closed to customers on foot—so, being a genius, I ordered an Uber to go through the drive-thru in order to get served. People (who were being kind and supportive but I’m gonna pretend to react negatively to make a point) made me out to sound like a superhero for doing so. The thought has since occurred to me that our Facebook page is kind of like our own personal Fox News Channel. I never posted about the rash on my ass, or the fact that I’ve spent enough money on cocaine in my lifetime to purchase a house in almost any city in this country and pay cash (at present market value), or the fact that I don’t actually believe that “this is gonna be the Leafs year” anymore, and that we will probably never win the Stanley Cup ever again.
Of course you’d think I was a good guy if you only listened to all the shit I said about myself on my Facebook page.
Do some fucking research people!!!!
9. Isolation Post of the Week:
10. Guest Post of the Week:
11. I find it frustrating that Netflix ALWAYS seems to freeze in the process of loading a show at 99% and then proceeds to make me wait five minutes. It’s like a lover who screams “I’M SO CLOSE!!!” every time you are intimate but it never happens and you aren’t quite sure when you are gonna be able to… land your plane.
I mean, for fuck’s sake, I am PAYING GOOD MONEY for BOTH those services!!!!!!!!
12. With regards to opening theatres before we are absolutely certain that it is safe to do so: I am pretty sure that whoever coined the phrase “to die for” when complimenting a show wasn’t being literal.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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