Heart Attacks, TV Shows, and the New CAA Theatre
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Dangerous Dans on Queen Street is gone??!! Between that and the price of cigarettes, it’s getting harder and harder to have a heart attack these days.
2. Man, my career must really be on fire! I got, like, six scam YouTube videos sent to me this week with MY NAME ON THEM!!!!
3. I don’t know what the Italians are all getting so mad about. Everyone knows Stratford actors can do anything. Next season, they are doing ’da Kink in My Hair with this exact same cast!
4. I’m kind of shocked that Haters Back Off was cancelled after two seasons because I thought they intentionally made it that fucking awful to make every other show on Netflix seem so much better by comparison.
5.
6. Top 5 Rejected Riverdale Promotional Slogans
5- Miss Grundy? More like Miss Grindey!
4- I See Red People
3- Die-Haired with a Vengeance
2- Tickle Me, Emo
1- Orange is the New Sucks
7. I think maybe she is bucking for a new Fox series, Eff Her, She Wrote. (“Eff” because it’s a show for the whole family to enjoy together.)
8. I finally quit my job as a male stripper. I just got sick of making the bear minimum.
9. Who says coffee shop bathrooms can’t be fun?
10. Watching season 7 of Shameless and noticing how similar in nature the show is to This Is Us, except that when a character on This Is Us is likely to cry while opening up about themselves, a character on Shameless is more likely to get drunk and high and have sex with some character they shouldn’t have.
Potatoes/potahtoes.
11. If you time it right, you can get your oil and filters changed while you see the show. If you time it wrong, they’ll tow you home. It’s WIN WIN, I tell ya!
12. I can’t stand this time of year for a lot of reasons but this one is a big one: every fucking night I will look at my phone, around midnight or so, to see exactly what time it is, and every fucking night it’s still only about 7:30 pm or so.
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Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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